


Monster

by ProudHaikyuuTrash



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Eren Yeager-centric, Gen, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-11-01 23:56:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20551778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProudHaikyuuTrash/pseuds/ProudHaikyuuTrash
Summary: Eren's thoughts after learning of Sasha's death.





	Monster

_Worthless._

That’s what he was. An absolute worthless trash. A disgusting piece of crap. An insult to the brave Survey Corps.

He was weak and helpless, always needing his comrades’ help. Always running off and getting into trouble and needing them to risk their lives, lose their lives, to come retrieve him. To protect him.

He had a titan. He was a titan shifter. He was supposed to be the strongest of them all. He was supposed to save them all.

And yet… And yet, people keep losing their lives, their valuable lives, their unachieved dreams and unsaid wishes because he had gotten himself in trouble yet again. Yet again, he had become the Damsel in Distress. He is a failure.

He is an undeserving piece of trash that deserved to die when he was swallowed back in Trost.

The power his father entrusted him…he didn’t deserve it.

He was the reason why Mina, Thomas, Daz, Hannah and Franz lost their lives. He was the reason why Petra, Oluo, Erd, Gunther sacrificed themselves.

And now…he was the reason why Sasha, the bright, beautiful, Sasha lost her life too.

He thought he had grown. He thought he had matured, had thought through his plan… and yet…once again…he had failed and forced his precious comrades to intervene.

The Survey Corps…he knew they didn’t agree with him, he know consequences laid ahead for his actions…and yet, yet, they had come to his rescue, flown all the way from Paradis to save his incompetent ass. They had bravely followed his flawed orders and come to save him when he was losing. They had selflessly protected him and all he had done was… betray their trust, pulled them in a mess and made them lose one of their most valuable soldiers.

He didn’t mind the betrayal on their faces but…his precious comrade, the girl he had fought alongside for the past seven years…had lost her life for a worthless trash like him.

Connie looks furious, and Eren knows if he was given the order now to attack him, there wouldn’t be any hesitance from the male.

Everyone had trusted him; he had trusted him and came to save his worthless life and what had he given them? A dead comrade, a dead friend.

He had snatched away Connie’s best friend, snatched away the only thing that kept him sane in the murder spree they lived in now.

He is a piece of shit he knows and he loathes himself more than anyone else could. He swore to protect lives, swore that whatever happens, in this plan of his, he wouldn’t drag his friends, wouldn’t drag his _family_ in this and yet…and yet…he had lost a friend-no, a sister today.

All because of his arrogance.

The shock is still settling in, his mind flashing through memories of the brunette with hopeful eyes and confident smile that never wavered despite of his acts. He doesn’t hear the words that he speaks, automatic as he tries to keep in indifferent act up.

“What…what were her last words, Connie?”

Connie looks at him, disbelieving. Of course, he had just played with their trust, had dragged them into a mess, had forced them to taint their hands with bloods of innocents and had snatched away one of their closest friends, destroyed the cocoon of safety they had formed with each other. And now he is asking a meaningless question.

_Truly disgusting_.

“Meat…” Connie answers still, eyes on him to carve out his reaction. Jean is behind him, tears still staining his cheeks. Armin and Mikasa are looking on, standing by the wall, grief clear in their expression.

The word registers in his mind and he can feel the burn in his eyes. But he also can’t help the relief that floods him. Sasha hadn’t blamed him in her last breath.

His eyes widen as he tries to hold in his tears and his brows furrow in disgust at himself.

How _dare_ he feel relief?

He lets out a loud laugh, maniac and if you were observant enough, broken. His hair shadows his eyes as he laughs, tears spilling, lips twisted in a pained sob.

His friends look at him, shocked. He can feel the resentment flowing through them. He can feel Mikasa shifting closer to Connie and Jean, Armin close behind as they try to keep a uniformed facade.

No, he realizes, they aren’t moving closer to find comfort. Mikasa’s eyes are darkened with loathing-he never knew he’d ever see it on her face, directed toward him. They are moving in closer to restrain each other from strangling him, shooting him on the spot.

Even now, his comrades, his friends, are restraining themselves, trusting in him as he laughs maniacally.

The last string of hope in him snaps.

He had killed thousands of his people. He has the blood of innocent in his hand and he has the blood of one of his closest friend in his hands. And all he can do is feel pitiful for himself.

How long does he have to suffer? How long does he have to be protected? How long does he have to lose people he cares for?

He decides in that moment. As he laughs and sobs, as his heart tears itself, the place Sasha had claimed after so long of being together, being a team becoming hollow, he decides that whatever happens he will make Marley and Zeke pay for the pain they had caused him and his people. They would pay for snatching away everything he had cared for.

If he has to become a _monster_ to accomplish his goals, make Marley pay, he will.

First though, he needs to make himself a monster in front of his comrades, so when the time comes and he has accomplished revenge, they would not hesitate to cut off his nape.

So he laughs and laughs and laughs, despite how his body wants to collapse and seek comfort in Mikasa and Jean and Armin and Connie, hoping that his friends forget the suicidal bastard they see in him.

He hopes as he laughs, covering the pained sob that threaten to spill, his friends, his beloved comrades he swore to protect, see the villain he is trying to become.

He hopes they loathe him.

Yet somewhere, stuck beneath the years of pain and suffering, beneath the memories of hundreds of shifters before him that plague him, beneath the indifferent façade he has put up, a boy with fierce teal eyes and heart so big, cries for comfort and begs for forgiveness.

He hopes his friends see a monster in him. Yet a small part of him, the part that remembers the shared laughter, the stupid fights, the part of him that still cries with every life that is taken, reaches out for the familiar comfort of his comrades, his _family._

He _really_ is a disgusting piece of trash.

_Worthless_.


End file.
